Okay, I just had to post something about this and again, I didn't want to post it on Facebook. This is such a creepy story. I don't care how "old" someone's soul is, when you are 16 and a 51 year old man is interested in you, it's gross. Just gross. And he said, "I've been called worse than a pedophile." Really? Cause I didn't know there was such a thing as something worse than a pedophile. Okay, that's my rant for the day. Here is the link to the story!
http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20510475,00.html
Friday, July 15, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
The Dreaded WAIT!
I am now 39.2 weeks pregnant with my sweet girl. I am anxiously awaiting my doctor's appointment tomorrow. We'll do a non stress test and they will check me to see how dilated and effaced I am. And I am FRUSTRATED, TIRED and ANXIOUS.
These last few weeks have been SO hard for me for some reason. You guys know me and know that I do not do well with limbo. Give me a final decision, even if it's hard, and I fare much better than just "waiting it out". (See my entire beginning relationship with Chris and how that messed me up!) And if I hear another God forsaken person tell me, "she'll come when she's ready", I may hit them. Even if they are old and they happen to be my grandmother. Okay, I won't really hit anyone, but I may start sobbing uncontrollably. The latter is much more likely to happen as it has already happened a few times. This is why I have resorted to lying to people when they ask me how I'm doing (unless it's you guys). I just say fine. It's easier than telling the truth.
Even writing this makes me feel like a bad mother. I always thought that I would be able to be laid back about this waiting and the way I feel (although I don't know why I thought this because there are a lot of things you could call me and laid back isn't one of them.). I always imagined pregnancy to be so much easier than it has been and lately I am feeling like I have already let my baby down because I'm having these feelings about wanting to be done with the pregnancy. And I will say that people are extremely judgmental and I have been among that group. It's so easy to say what someone should do or what the right thing to do for their baby is, but until it's your baby, your body and YOUR situation (which I can guarantee is completely unique), you don't know how you will feel or react. I have decided not to post anymore details about my labor decisions, etc. on Facebook because you get so many opinions, even when you haven't asked for any, and most of the time they are from people that I haven't seen in YEARS and even when I knew them, we weren't close.
I have found that labor and delivery is a topic that people have really strong feelings about and I understand that. However. My body is my body and my doctor is my doctor. I do not believe that doctors are infallible, BUT I do trust my doctor and collectively they have delivered hundreds of babies. I will take what my doctor says over what some random Facebook friend or a random website tells me what is the appropriate medical action to take. Now, I do think it's important to trust your doctor. If you don't then you can feel unsure about their decisions and you can never be sure if they are doing what is best for you. But I trust mine and also, random Facebook people, I DIDN'T ask for your opinion! I have asked for advice before and I appreciate it then, but unless I specifically ask you what you think or to give me advice, SHUT UP. I'm pregnant, hormonal and completely uncomfortable which equals to emotionally unstable. I do feel like I have grown a lot during this pregnancy and I have learned one important lesson overall. Do not approach a pregnant woman with advice or well meaning "tips". This lesson has been one that I feel could be the most important of my life (other than don't ever microwave foil).
So tomorrow is the big day and I'll know more details. My doctor and I are deciding what are our next steps if she doesn't come by her due date. I'll text you guys tomorrow to let you know the outcome. And I do appreciate your support. It means a lot to know that I have friends that randomly call, text or email me just to check in. I love you guys and I honestly don't know what I would do without you guys!
These last few weeks have been SO hard for me for some reason. You guys know me and know that I do not do well with limbo. Give me a final decision, even if it's hard, and I fare much better than just "waiting it out". (See my entire beginning relationship with Chris and how that messed me up!) And if I hear another God forsaken person tell me, "she'll come when she's ready", I may hit them. Even if they are old and they happen to be my grandmother. Okay, I won't really hit anyone, but I may start sobbing uncontrollably. The latter is much more likely to happen as it has already happened a few times. This is why I have resorted to lying to people when they ask me how I'm doing (unless it's you guys). I just say fine. It's easier than telling the truth.
Even writing this makes me feel like a bad mother. I always thought that I would be able to be laid back about this waiting and the way I feel (although I don't know why I thought this because there are a lot of things you could call me and laid back isn't one of them.). I always imagined pregnancy to be so much easier than it has been and lately I am feeling like I have already let my baby down because I'm having these feelings about wanting to be done with the pregnancy. And I will say that people are extremely judgmental and I have been among that group. It's so easy to say what someone should do or what the right thing to do for their baby is, but until it's your baby, your body and YOUR situation (which I can guarantee is completely unique), you don't know how you will feel or react. I have decided not to post anymore details about my labor decisions, etc. on Facebook because you get so many opinions, even when you haven't asked for any, and most of the time they are from people that I haven't seen in YEARS and even when I knew them, we weren't close.
I have found that labor and delivery is a topic that people have really strong feelings about and I understand that. However. My body is my body and my doctor is my doctor. I do not believe that doctors are infallible, BUT I do trust my doctor and collectively they have delivered hundreds of babies. I will take what my doctor says over what some random Facebook friend or a random website tells me what is the appropriate medical action to take. Now, I do think it's important to trust your doctor. If you don't then you can feel unsure about their decisions and you can never be sure if they are doing what is best for you. But I trust mine and also, random Facebook people, I DIDN'T ask for your opinion! I have asked for advice before and I appreciate it then, but unless I specifically ask you what you think or to give me advice, SHUT UP. I'm pregnant, hormonal and completely uncomfortable which equals to emotionally unstable. I do feel like I have grown a lot during this pregnancy and I have learned one important lesson overall. Do not approach a pregnant woman with advice or well meaning "tips". This lesson has been one that I feel could be the most important of my life (other than don't ever microwave foil).
So tomorrow is the big day and I'll know more details. My doctor and I are deciding what are our next steps if she doesn't come by her due date. I'll text you guys tomorrow to let you know the outcome. And I do appreciate your support. It means a lot to know that I have friends that randomly call, text or email me just to check in. I love you guys and I honestly don't know what I would do without you guys!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
3am Ponderings
I'm up at 3am. I have been up since about 2am. Contractions woke me up, but of course they are not getting stronger or more consistent. I am now sitting and listening to a thunderstorm, drinking my bajillioneth glass of water trying to coax my daughter out into the world, when I began really thinking about having a baby. The responsibility is huge. That may come to most of you, especially moms, as a "duh", but it has really hit me that there will be another human being completely dependent upon Chris and I for SURVIVAL. This is no joke.
And not only will she need us initially for survival, later, she'll need us for guidance on how to handle this hard world. I wonder how I will deal with this as I already love this little thing more than I thought I could love anything, and I haven't even MET her yet. When she moves inside of me, it's like our own little inside moment. I feel like she's talking to me, reassuring me that she's okay and that she loves me too. This love scares me because I wonder how I will handle her misfortune and hurt. How do you guys handle it when your child is disappointed and sad? How do you deal as parents with the fact that no matter what you do, you will not be able to protect them completely from these feelings? I am trying to adopt the "go with the flow" attitude, but let's be honest, is that even possible when it comes to your child?
So pondering these things led me to a list of things (because when in doubt, make a list) that I am going to promise to TRY to do when it comes to parenting my daughter.
1. No matter how hard it is to see disappointment on that sweet face, I will not kill another person to get you on the cheerleading squad.
2. I will try my best not to judge what music you listen to, as I made my mother, your grandmother, sit through Jars of Clay, New Kids On The Block and MC Hammer.
3. I will make my best effort to attend every game or event that you are involved in and take lots of pictures and videos.
4. I will always work on my marriage with your dad, so you can see how a relationship should be. (Which will hopefully avoid you getting involved with someone named Scorpion or Chet.)
5. I will not be one of those moms who embarrass you on purpose. If you make the decision that I need to drop you off a block away so you can look cool walking to the movie theater, I will do it. (I would like to point out however, that no one in middle school actually drives, so I'm pretty sure their parent dropped them off too. I'm just sayin'.)
6. I will expose you to different cultures and people, so you can be an understanding, open minded person.
7. I will not keep you from any reading that you want to do, unless it's that really cheap trashy crap that has no literary value and is inappropriate for anyone under 18. If it has Fabio on the cover, the answer is no.
8. I will TRY MY BEST (and probably fail quite often) to let you make your own political opinions and try not to intercede on my viewpoint's behalf. (Okay, let's be honest, this will probably never happen, because your mother is extremely opinionated, but at least I'm making an effort to put it on the list.)
9. I will allow you the freedom to choose your religious path. This is something that I find extremely personal, and I feel like everyone should get to choose which path they would like to choose. Although, please don't choose the Wiccan religion. I don't get it and it kinda creeps me out.
10. I will always love you. THAT is a promise. It will never change or alter and no matter what happens, that is the one constant you can always count on. I may screw up all these other things and hundreds of others, but this is the one that I can guarantee.
I'm sure I could sit here all night and think of things to add to the list, but we'll stop at ten because it's a good round number and I need to get up to pee. Again. I guess the moral of the story, or blog, is that I will figure it out. It doesn't mean I don't get scared about it, but I can do it. And I have all of you to help support me through all these weird and difficult parenting situations. Now that's pretty lucky.
And not only will she need us initially for survival, later, she'll need us for guidance on how to handle this hard world. I wonder how I will deal with this as I already love this little thing more than I thought I could love anything, and I haven't even MET her yet. When she moves inside of me, it's like our own little inside moment. I feel like she's talking to me, reassuring me that she's okay and that she loves me too. This love scares me because I wonder how I will handle her misfortune and hurt. How do you guys handle it when your child is disappointed and sad? How do you deal as parents with the fact that no matter what you do, you will not be able to protect them completely from these feelings? I am trying to adopt the "go with the flow" attitude, but let's be honest, is that even possible when it comes to your child?
So pondering these things led me to a list of things (because when in doubt, make a list) that I am going to promise to TRY to do when it comes to parenting my daughter.
1. No matter how hard it is to see disappointment on that sweet face, I will not kill another person to get you on the cheerleading squad.
2. I will try my best not to judge what music you listen to, as I made my mother, your grandmother, sit through Jars of Clay, New Kids On The Block and MC Hammer.
3. I will make my best effort to attend every game or event that you are involved in and take lots of pictures and videos.
4. I will always work on my marriage with your dad, so you can see how a relationship should be. (Which will hopefully avoid you getting involved with someone named Scorpion or Chet.)
5. I will not be one of those moms who embarrass you on purpose. If you make the decision that I need to drop you off a block away so you can look cool walking to the movie theater, I will do it. (I would like to point out however, that no one in middle school actually drives, so I'm pretty sure their parent dropped them off too. I'm just sayin'.)
6. I will expose you to different cultures and people, so you can be an understanding, open minded person.
7. I will not keep you from any reading that you want to do, unless it's that really cheap trashy crap that has no literary value and is inappropriate for anyone under 18. If it has Fabio on the cover, the answer is no.
8. I will TRY MY BEST (and probably fail quite often) to let you make your own political opinions and try not to intercede on my viewpoint's behalf. (Okay, let's be honest, this will probably never happen, because your mother is extremely opinionated, but at least I'm making an effort to put it on the list.)
9. I will allow you the freedom to choose your religious path. This is something that I find extremely personal, and I feel like everyone should get to choose which path they would like to choose. Although, please don't choose the Wiccan religion. I don't get it and it kinda creeps me out.
10. I will always love you. THAT is a promise. It will never change or alter and no matter what happens, that is the one constant you can always count on. I may screw up all these other things and hundreds of others, but this is the one that I can guarantee.
I'm sure I could sit here all night and think of things to add to the list, but we'll stop at ten because it's a good round number and I need to get up to pee. Again. I guess the moral of the story, or blog, is that I will figure it out. It doesn't mean I don't get scared about it, but I can do it. And I have all of you to help support me through all these weird and difficult parenting situations. Now that's pretty lucky.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Doctor's Appointment 37.3 Weeks
I went to the doctor this morning and had my weekly NST. Baby girl did GREAT! I was so glad that her movement was so good and that they were pleased with the results. They are still going to do one weekly, but they aren't really concerned much anymore! That makes me feel so good and less worried about my sweet girl. They did a cervix check and it is still completely closed and I am not effaced. I am ripened, but again the doctor said that it could be any day or another few weeks. Most likely another few weeks. I do know that I will have a baby by July 24th because they won't let you go any more than one week overdue. She is already about 7.5 pounds, so I'm not too worried about going too soon now. It's reassuring and disappointing at the same time when I go and nothing has progressed downstairs. I mean, I know that it will happen in it's time, but it's just hard because I am feeling so much and it just hurts. My doctor said that some women unfortunately have more nerve endings in that area of the body and that is why I am feeling a lot that most women wouldn't feel. That was exciting news to hear. (Please note the sarcasm.)
On a MUCH happier note, my husband was so thoughtful AND it had to do with his parents. He talked to his parents last night and they wanted to come up this weekend. Normally, he would just say, "Sure" and not even consult me. Well, last night, when he got off the phone, he told me that they had asked to come and he had told them no. He said that he knew now was not the time that I needed to have house guests and of course his parents were understanding. He told me he knew that even though his parents say not to do anything, that I still would feel obligated to clean, cook, etc. He is so right and I was just so happy that he was so thoughtful and thought of me. Sometimes, just when I think that he doesn't get it, he does something like this. I'm pretty lucky.
Also, totally random, cervix checks are pretty unpleasant. I mean, could they get further up your hoo ha?
On a MUCH happier note, my husband was so thoughtful AND it had to do with his parents. He talked to his parents last night and they wanted to come up this weekend. Normally, he would just say, "Sure" and not even consult me. Well, last night, when he got off the phone, he told me that they had asked to come and he had told them no. He said that he knew now was not the time that I needed to have house guests and of course his parents were understanding. He told me he knew that even though his parents say not to do anything, that I still would feel obligated to clean, cook, etc. He is so right and I was just so happy that he was so thoughtful and thought of me. Sometimes, just when I think that he doesn't get it, he does something like this. I'm pretty lucky.
Also, totally random, cervix checks are pretty unpleasant. I mean, could they get further up your hoo ha?
Monday, June 27, 2011
First Blog Ever.
I decided to start writing a blog because I miss my friends and home SO much and I thought this might help me feel a little more connected. Let's face it, on Facebook, at least for me, I can't post a lot of what I'm feeling because my in laws and others are on there that I don't want to share all of my thoughts and feelings with. (Also, I do know the grammatical rule of not ending a sentence with a preposition, but it will be happening a lot with this blog because I'm kind of a lazy writer. Just a heads up to my friends that are English teachers.)
As all of you reading this know, I am pregnant. 37 weeks pregnant with my first precious girl. I am so excited, but at the same time overwhelmed. I have been laboring for three weeks. Apparently I am going through what is known as Podromal Labor, which is another, much better, term for false labor (false my foot). This has been happening consistently for about two weeks now. I contract pretty regularly, usually every 45 minutes or so and I have constant cramping that feels like menstrual cramps. I really am not exaggerating when I say constant. It's all the time. At times it's worse than others, but it seems to just stick around.
Now, let me just say this as a disclaimer. There is NOTHING that I would not go through to make sure that my sweet girl is safe and sound and healthy. However, it doesn't mean it's fun and it doesn't hurt. I can sleep about one hour at a time before a contraction or my bladder wakes me up. My body is exhausted from all of this work it's doing. And yes, I know it's preparing my body for labor, blah, blah, blah. It doesn't mean that I don't want to scream with frustration and exhaustion.
My husband is trying so hard to be helpful and he succeeds at least 80% of the time. But it's hard not to feel a little bitter when he is able to sit on the couch without getting out of breath and can easily maneuver around obstacles like the trash can. And if he mentions how his neck hurts one more time, I might punch him in the balls. Feel that and then talk to me about your precious neck. Again, I would never say this to him because he really does try to help me and I do adore him. He rubs my back whenever I ask and he will get me a glass of water or run me a bath if that is what I request. (Although as far as helping with housework, well, let's just say we can throw that idea out the window. I just didn't marry a man that cares when the trash begins to smell.) I'm just nervous about having a baby and having to do everything. I know Chris wants to help, but he doesn't show initiative with things and I constantly have to ask if I want anything done. I don't know how this is going to work with the new baby, but I am nervous.
I'm also nervous because all of you are away from me. It's so hard not to have my support system that I have learned to rely so heavily on, close by. I know that if I am frustrated because our girl won't sleep or stop crying that I can't call and get one of you to come over and help. And I know that you guys all will volunteer to come and help, but it's hard when you are four and a half hours away. I'm lonely up here and I am just apprehensive about how that will translate into my parenting skills. Don't get me wrong, I'm not worried about going all Susan Smith on my baby, but I am worried about the baby blues and postpartum depression.
I'm worried about my inlaws and how our relationship will continue to develop, especially because we are doing things quite differently from Sarah, Chris' sister. (I think all of you know that she is having a baby due on Halloween). I don't know how that will play out, especially because I'm already the red headed step child that took Chris away from church and his family. At least that is how I feel. And Chris is never honest with his family about his beliefs and so I think their perception of things is that I am the one that took Chris away from church, when the reality is, he had given up on that in college and was only going to please his family. But that is what he does, he tries to please his family, instead of just being himself. He is the most incredible man I have ever known and I don't understand why he won't just be himself with his family. It must be exhausting. (Although not as exhausting as having a baby!) I love my inlaws, I really do, but I always feel like they look at me like I am lacking in some regard and you guys know that I don't do well with things like that. I like to be the "good one".
Whew, I already feel better. I have felt so restricted on Facebook because I don't want to share with everyone how I am feeling about everything. It's private, but I miss seeing you guys and having you all to connect with on a more regular basis, so I thought this is a good idea. I love you all and this is very cathartic for me, so thanks in advance for letting me use this as my sounding board.
As all of you reading this know, I am pregnant. 37 weeks pregnant with my first precious girl. I am so excited, but at the same time overwhelmed. I have been laboring for three weeks. Apparently I am going through what is known as Podromal Labor, which is another, much better, term for false labor (false my foot). This has been happening consistently for about two weeks now. I contract pretty regularly, usually every 45 minutes or so and I have constant cramping that feels like menstrual cramps. I really am not exaggerating when I say constant. It's all the time. At times it's worse than others, but it seems to just stick around.
Now, let me just say this as a disclaimer. There is NOTHING that I would not go through to make sure that my sweet girl is safe and sound and healthy. However, it doesn't mean it's fun and it doesn't hurt. I can sleep about one hour at a time before a contraction or my bladder wakes me up. My body is exhausted from all of this work it's doing. And yes, I know it's preparing my body for labor, blah, blah, blah. It doesn't mean that I don't want to scream with frustration and exhaustion.
My husband is trying so hard to be helpful and he succeeds at least 80% of the time. But it's hard not to feel a little bitter when he is able to sit on the couch without getting out of breath and can easily maneuver around obstacles like the trash can. And if he mentions how his neck hurts one more time, I might punch him in the balls. Feel that and then talk to me about your precious neck. Again, I would never say this to him because he really does try to help me and I do adore him. He rubs my back whenever I ask and he will get me a glass of water or run me a bath if that is what I request. (Although as far as helping with housework, well, let's just say we can throw that idea out the window. I just didn't marry a man that cares when the trash begins to smell.) I'm just nervous about having a baby and having to do everything. I know Chris wants to help, but he doesn't show initiative with things and I constantly have to ask if I want anything done. I don't know how this is going to work with the new baby, but I am nervous.
I'm also nervous because all of you are away from me. It's so hard not to have my support system that I have learned to rely so heavily on, close by. I know that if I am frustrated because our girl won't sleep or stop crying that I can't call and get one of you to come over and help. And I know that you guys all will volunteer to come and help, but it's hard when you are four and a half hours away. I'm lonely up here and I am just apprehensive about how that will translate into my parenting skills. Don't get me wrong, I'm not worried about going all Susan Smith on my baby, but I am worried about the baby blues and postpartum depression.
I'm worried about my inlaws and how our relationship will continue to develop, especially because we are doing things quite differently from Sarah, Chris' sister. (I think all of you know that she is having a baby due on Halloween). I don't know how that will play out, especially because I'm already the red headed step child that took Chris away from church and his family. At least that is how I feel. And Chris is never honest with his family about his beliefs and so I think their perception of things is that I am the one that took Chris away from church, when the reality is, he had given up on that in college and was only going to please his family. But that is what he does, he tries to please his family, instead of just being himself. He is the most incredible man I have ever known and I don't understand why he won't just be himself with his family. It must be exhausting. (Although not as exhausting as having a baby!) I love my inlaws, I really do, but I always feel like they look at me like I am lacking in some regard and you guys know that I don't do well with things like that. I like to be the "good one".
Whew, I already feel better. I have felt so restricted on Facebook because I don't want to share with everyone how I am feeling about everything. It's private, but I miss seeing you guys and having you all to connect with on a more regular basis, so I thought this is a good idea. I love you all and this is very cathartic for me, so thanks in advance for letting me use this as my sounding board.
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