The Dreaded WAIT!

I am now 39.2 weeks pregnant with my sweet girl.  I am anxiously awaiting my doctor's appointment tomorrow. We'll do a non stress test and they will check me to see how dilated and effaced I am.  And I am FRUSTRATED, TIRED and ANXIOUS.

These last few weeks have been SO hard for me for some reason.  You guys know me and know that I do not do well with limbo.  Give me a final decision, even if it's hard, and I fare much better than just "waiting it out".  (See my entire beginning relationship with Chris and how that messed me up!)  And if I hear another God forsaken person tell me, "she'll come when she's ready", I may hit them.  Even if they are old and they happen to be my grandmother.  Okay, I won't really hit anyone, but I may start sobbing uncontrollably.  The latter is much more likely to happen as it has already happened a few times.  This is why I have resorted to lying to people when they ask me how I'm doing (unless it's you guys).  I just say fine.  It's easier than telling the truth.

Even writing this makes me feel like a bad mother.  I always thought that I would be able to be laid back about this waiting and the way I feel (although I don't know why I thought this because there are a lot of things you could call me and laid back isn't one of them.).  I always imagined pregnancy to be so much easier than it has been and lately I am feeling like I have already let my baby down because I'm having these feelings about wanting to be done with the pregnancy.  And I will say that people are extremely judgmental and I have been among that group.  It's so easy to say what someone should do or what the right thing to do for their baby is, but until it's your baby, your body and YOUR situation (which I can guarantee is completely unique), you don't know how you will feel or react.  I have decided not to post anymore details about my labor decisions, etc. on Facebook because you get so many opinions, even when you haven't asked for any, and most of the time they are from people that I haven't seen in YEARS and even when I knew them, we weren't close.

I have found that labor and delivery is a topic that people have really strong feelings about and I understand that.  However.  My body is my body and my doctor is my doctor.  I do not believe that doctors are infallible, BUT I do trust my doctor and collectively they have delivered hundreds of babies.  I will take what my doctor says over what some random Facebook friend or a random website tells me what is the appropriate medical action to take.  Now, I do think it's important to trust your doctor.  If you don't then you can feel unsure about their decisions and you can never be sure if they are doing what is best for you.  But I trust mine and also, random Facebook people, I DIDN'T ask for your opinion!  I have asked for advice before and I appreciate it then, but unless I specifically ask you what you think or to give me advice, SHUT UP.  I'm pregnant, hormonal and completely uncomfortable which equals to emotionally unstable.  I do feel like I have grown a lot during this pregnancy and I have learned one important lesson overall.  Do not approach a pregnant woman with advice or well meaning "tips".  This lesson has been one that I feel could be the most important of my life (other than don't ever microwave foil).

So tomorrow is the big day and I'll know more details.  My doctor and I are deciding what are our next steps if she doesn't come by her due date.  I'll text you guys tomorrow to let you know the outcome.  And I do appreciate your support.  It means a lot to know that I have friends that randomly call, text or email me just to check in.  I love you guys and I honestly don't know what I would do without you guys!